The Raging Narcissist
He was sweet, charming, and loving. . . until he wasn’t. I could handle a lot of the narcissistic qualities of my ex: the disguised put-downs, the obsessive need for attention and admiration, the lying. I was even willing to try and get past the infidelity. I just couldn’t deal with the out-of-control rages with seemingly no provocation. Someone once described the narcissistic rage as a toddler having a melt-down. I think that is an apt description.
My ex could blow up at the slightest thing or for nothing at all. He ruined most holidays. (see my blog on that one: the-narcissist-and-holidays). I would walk on eggshells, trying everything I could to keep him happy so everyone could have a nice holiday, but he would always find some reason to explode. Whether it was Christmas, Thanksgiving, a birthday, or some other holiday, it was most likely going to be ruined. He didn’t have enough sleep, he had a headache, the kids were whiny. There was always some excuse.
But it wasn’t just holidays. It was regular days too. The baby wouldn’t drink his bottle. Time to rage and smash a lamp. I complained about his carelessness in spilling food on the kitchen floor that I had just cleaned. Time to explode and smash a chair into the wood floor so hard as to gouge it out. My son challenged him when he made fun of his friends. Time to throw a hot sauce bottle at me and leave for three days. (I was the victim because I didn’t support him in his “jokes” about my son’s friends. I was generally the victim; better me than my children.).
Yet he never managed to rage to the outside world. Everyone thought he was a wonderful guy. Except once. This rage was so bad, I was truly afraid. My son had gotten into a little bit of trouble with our next-door neighbor’s son. He raged for two straight days and threatened to burn the house down while we slept. Needless to say, I didn’t sleep for two nights. He smashed my son’s picture. He smacked my phone out of my hands. I guess this rage was so bad, he couldn’t control it to the outside world. He went next door and raged at my son’s friend. I think that was the first glimpse my neighbors got of his rages despite living next door to us for over ten years.
I was bewildered by this behavior. I didn’t know much about narcissism, so I didn’t even consider it as the cause. I figured he had an anger management problem. I tried so hard not to trigger him. For the entire twenty-eight years we were married. I was never able to prevent a blow-up.
Why do narcissists rage like this? My research tells me that narcissists often struggle with maintaining healthy interpersonal relationships because their need for admiration and validation can overshadow the needs and feelings of others. Their lack of empathy is the driver behind the rage. Certainly, my ex never considered the effect he had on all of us by his rages. Even after he calmed down, he never exhibited any remorse.
Narcissistic rages can range from shouting and screaming to physical violence. The narcissist experiences intense emotional turmoil during these outbursts. There are several factors that contribute to the rage:
1. Fragile Self-esteem: It seems counter-intuitive, but narcissists often have a fragile self-esteem beneath their outward bravado. Any threat to that self-esteem can trigger a rage as they desperately defend their fragile sense of self-worth.
2. Fear of Abandonment: Narcissists have an intense fear of abandonment which stems from their deep-seated insecurity. If they perceive a threat to the relationship, they may act out to regain control and keep others from leaving.
3. Need for control: Narcissists have an insatiable need for control. If they feel they are losing that control, they may rage to reassert dominance.
4. Manipulation and Power: Narcissists often use their rages as a tool to intimidate and control others. They do this to get what they want, silence dissent, or establish dominance.
Narcissistic rages can severely impact relationships with others. They certainly impacted me. Rages create emotional trauma. Being the victim of a narcissist’s rage leaves lasting scars, erodes trust in others and impacts a victim’s overall well-being. After each of my ex’s rages, I would turn inward and basically “check out” of life while I steeled myself for the next one.
As was the case for me, narcissistic rages often result in the victims walking on eggshells. I would try anything to prevent a trigger, often suppressing my own thoughts, feelings, needs and desires. The rages can lead to isolation as family and friends stop visiting to avoid the drama and unpredictability. I was lucky that my family stood by me but I’m sure there were plenty of times when they had had enough of my ex’s outbursts.
The narcissistic rages are often part of a larger cycle of abuse where the narcissist alternates between being your best friend or soul mate and devaluing you. This cycle is how we get trapped in these toxic relationships.
How to cope with the rage? It’s really hard. As I said, I would often shut down for a time to prepare for the next one. I was fortunate in that my ex wasn’t that physical. I can’t imagine what others go through whose ex is physical. I would say you must prioritize your safety before all else. After that, I would reach out to friends, family or a therapist who can provide emotional support and guidance. You don’t have to go through this alone. Like with most things, you should prioritize self-care: exercise, meditate, journal, and go to therapy if needed.
One thing I never did was escalate the situation when he was in a rage. I always remained calm and mostly quiet, speaking only when spoken to. He was scary enough without making him worse. Perhaps, that is why he never got physical. I have a friend who was in a similar relationship, and she concluded one day that the best way out for her was to escalate it. He then physically assaulted her; she called the cops and got an order of protection. She had long-lasting scars from that. I don’t recommend going that route. She’s lucky she wasn’t seriously injured. If the abuse is severe, consider leaving. Your safety should always come first.
From my perspective, the narcissistic rage is probably the most destructive aspect of narcissism. Healthy relationships should be built on mutual respect, empathy, and emotional safety. From my experience, leaving the toxic relationship was the only way forward. He was never going to change. I had enough heartache. It was time to find happiness without him.
I’d love to hear your comments below.
Read my book about my journey from abuse to empowerment, my 28-year odyssey, battling a narcissist, navigating a hostile divorce, and emerging triumphant. Discover your strength. Reclaim your peace. You can find it here if you want. Or if you’d like a sneak peak first, you can go here and click on the look inside link under the picture of the book cover to read chapter one for free.
-Maria