What Type Of Narcissist Are You Dealing With?
I have to say right out the gate, I barely knew what narcissism was until recently. I had heard the term but never really thought much about it. And I certainly never considered my ex-husband to be one. I know better now.
Let’s start with a fun fact. The word narcissism comes from Greek mythology. There was hunter named Narcissus who was known for his beauty. He could never find anyone he loved, however. One day, he came upon a pool of water and became entranced by the reflection in it. He did not realize it was himself he was looking at. He was so in love with his reflection that he refused to do anything but stare at it all day and night. Eventually, he died of starvation. And that brings us to the origin of the word narcissism, a self-centered personality type who can only love himself.
From what I understand, everyone has some level of narcissism in him. But most of us work on trying to be better people and fight those tendencies. Those who have extreme narcissistic traits might be diagnosed with a psychiatric condition called narcissistic personality disorder. With this disorder, the narcissist suffers from the need for attention and admiration, is often grandiose in his actions, and is unable to empathize. A diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder is rare. Adolf Hitler is probably the most famous narcissist in history. Joan Crawford, as portrayed in the movie, Mommie Dearest, might be another. Michael Scott of the television show, The Office, is a famous fictional narcissist.
Depending on what source you look at, there are between three and fourteen different types of narcissism. This article discusses three types and has helpful information in it: types of narcissists. I’m going to stick with two: overt and covert. Narcissists like Adolf Hitler would be considered overt. Overt narcissists are more outgoing and controlling. They have an inflated sense of self-importance and often exaggerate their achievements. They believe they are special and deserve special treatment. They constantly seek attention and admiration from others. They lack empathy and will use manipulation to achieve their goals. This is what I always thought of as a narcissist. I guess that’s why it never occurred to me that my ex was one.
The other main type of narcissist is the covert one. These are harder to spot, and I believe this was my ex. Now, I should say, I don’t believe my ex was to such an extreme that he would be diagnosed with a disorder, but he definitely had strong covert narcissistic traits.
While overt narcissists tend to be more upfront and brash in their behavior, covert narcissists are subtler and more manipulative in their approach. Overt narcissists are more likely to draw attention to themselves through grandiose statements and attention-seeking behaviors, whereas covert narcissists are skilled at appearing humble and self-effacing while still seeking admiration and validation.
Covert narcissists tend to compare themselves with others and criticize others’ happiness, possessions, and relationships to feel better about themselves. They often suffer from “insecure grandiosity,” secretly believing they are more talented or special than others but less likely to brag about it. They often have a victim mentality and feel misunderstood and will use this as a way to gain sympathy.
Like overt narcissists, covert narcissists struggle with empathy. However, they may appear more sensitive and caring on the surface, making it difficult for others to detect their lack of genuine empathy. This was definitely my ex. I could often sense his insecurity, but the outside world couldn’t. He came off as self-confident and would do anything for anyone (except for his family at home). My ex would often help a neighbor with home improvement projects and be gone an entire Saturday while I was left with three small children to care for. But at home, he was a victim. No one listened to him, no one was interested in what he had to say, no one cared about him. . . . And, as is common with most covert narcissists, my ex could not take criticism well. On a good day, he would react with defensiveness and withdraw. On a bad day, he would explode in an out-of-control rage. Covert narcissists can be emotionally dependent on others for validation and self-esteem. They often require reassurance and constant affirmation from those around them. My ex always needed to be the center of attention and to hear how great he was. Finally, covert narcissists can exhibit passive aggressiveness. I don’t think my ex did this as much (he was mostly aggressive- at least toward his family).
Both overt and covert narcissists can have detrimental effects on interpersonal relationships. Overt narcissists may alienate others with their arrogance and lack of empathy, making it challenging to maintain healthy connections. Covert narcissists, on the other hand, may create confusion and emotional turmoil in relationships because their manipulative behaviors and hidden grandiosity can be difficult to detect.
In either case, the lack of genuine empathy and the intense focus on their own needs and desires can lead to strained relationships and emotional distress for those involved. Friends, family members, and romantic partners of narcissists often find themselves feeling unheard, unappreciated, and drained by the narcissist's self-centeredness. They are tiresome to deal with, don’t you think?
What is the best way to deal with a narcissist? For me, removing the toxic person was the only answer. For those who can’t or won’t do that, first, avoid confrontation. Narcissists can’t take criticism. Pick your battles wisely. Second, set boundaries as best as you can. Assert yourself if s/he is not being respectful. Learn as much as you can about narcissism, so you know better exactly what you are dealing with. Don’t believe anything negative they say about you. That only leads to self-doubt. They likely are critical of you to build up their own self-esteem. Seek out support from friends and family who love you and want what’s best for you. Finally, take care of yourself. Exercise, find time for fun and journal your thoughts and feelings to provide a release. You are a uniquely beautiful person. Always remind yourself of that.
I’d love to hear your comments below.
Read my book about my journey from abuse to empowerment, my 28-year odyssey, battling a narcissist, navigating a hostile divorce, and emerging triumphant. Discover your strength. Reclaim your peace. You can find it here if you want. Or if you’d like a sneak peak first, you can go here and click on the look inside link under the picture of the book cover to read chapter one for free.
-Maria