Divorcing the Narcissist
If you’re considering filing for a divorce from a narcissist or are already in the process, buckle up. It’s going to be quite the ride and none of it is fun. Divorcing a narcissist is a harrowing and emotionally draining experience. The divorce process becomes a battleground where your emotional, financial, and even physical well-being are at stake.
In my case, my ex beat me to the divorce filing, which was probably better for his ego. I had reached the end of my rope, and I was going to tell him to leave. My brain hadn’t gotten to the point of divorce yet, however. After twenty-eight years of raging behavior, I just knew I could no longer live with him. But he had other plans. He was out one day when I discovered the divorce papers in his home office. It actually was quite a shock to me. I contacted my kids, who were all adults at this point, and my youngest immediately came home. He pulled me out of my shocked state and encouraged me to strategize how to best negotiate everything. It sounded like a great plan, but trust me, if you’re dealing with a narcissist, no plan will ever work. They thrive on disruption. They will use every tool at their disposal to maintain control over the situation, which often leads to contentious legal battles.
And the law is so crazy, it often makes no sense, and you suffer as a result. I was told that I had to maintain my family health insurance plan and keep insuring my ex until the divorce was final even though he could easily get his own insurance by his employer. When I complained to my attorney that he should pay half of the $300 premium that was taken out of my paycheck every two weeks, she responded, “It doesn’t work that way.” After a year of this, I just cancelled the insurance and got my own individual plan. His attorney went ballistic, and my attorney yelled at me, but you know what ultimately happened? Absolutely nothing. My ex got his own insurance and I no longer paid for him. The legal divorce process is completely broken in my view.
My ex told me he wanted the process to be amicable. Of course, when he said that, I was unaware that he had stolen large sums of money from our joint accounts and was trying to hide it so it would not be counted in the divorce proceedings. When these facts later came to light, he claimed that he was using the money to help his sick mother and two brothers. He then told my kids that the reason he filed for divorce was because I wouldn’t let him give money to his sick relatives. I didn’t even know they were sick (assuming they really were). Narcissists are experts at manipulating the narrative to make themselves look like victims and to shift blame onto you.
Initially, my ex refused to leave the house, and the law was on his side on that one too. So, we lived together for three months, barely acknowledging each other, and sleeping in separate bedrooms. Fortunately (for me, not him), my youngest son was still living at home, and he provided me with endless support. I don’t think I could have gotten through it without him. Every night, my ex roamed the house while my son and I slept and picked and chose whatever item he wanted and ultimately took it to a storage unit. For six months after he left, I was continually discovering things that he had taken without permission or negotiation. By the time he finally moved out, he had taken around ten carloads of stuff.
He dragged the whole divorce process out for no reason. Any statements that he had to provide were “woefully inadequate” (my attorney’s words). He wouldn’t negotiate anything and made outrageous claims with no factual basis. For example, he claimed I wrote out a check to my brother who had died forty years ago. Of course, he had no check to produce because it never happened. (Why would I write out a check to a dead person?). In one mediation session we attended, he spent the entire time complaining that his kids would have nothing to do with him. I paid over $1200 in legal fees just to hear him complain.
It took two years and over $57,000 in legal fees to finally end everything. And remember, my kids were all grown up! I can’t imagine what people go through with young children. During that time, he drove by the house repeatedly and I had to call the police twice. I barely slept, lost weight and had virtually no life.
Here’s the best advice I can give in trying to cope:
1. Seek Professional Help: It is crucial to have a support system in place. Consider working with a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse or joining a support group for individuals going through similar experiences.
2. Document everything: Keep detailed records of all interactions with your narcissistic spouse, especially regarding child custody, financial matters, and any abusive behavior. This documentation can be invaluable in court.
3. Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries and stick to them. Limit communication to essential matters, preferably through written channels like email or text messages, which provide a record of your interactions.
4. Choose Your Battles: Narcissists thrive on conflict, so be strategic about what issues you engage in and what you let go. Prioritize the well-being of your children and yourself.
5. Secure Legal Representation: It is crucial to have an experienced family law attorney who understands the complexities of divorcing a narcissist. They can help you navigate the legal process and protect your interests. I’m not going to say they all are great, but you can’t go through the process without them.
6. Stay Calm and Collected: Narcissists often try to provoke emotional reactions. Try to remain composed and avoid reacting emotionally to their manipulations. This can be challenging but is crucial to maintaining your sanity and credibility.
7. Focus on Self-care: Divorcing a narcissist can be emotionally draining. Prioritize self-care to maintain your physical and mental health. This might include exercise, meditation, and spending time with supportive friends and family.
8. Stay Patient and Persistent: Divorcing a narcissist can be a lengthy and frustrating process. Stay patient, persistent, and resolute in your efforts to protect your rights and your children's well-being.
I can’t say I lived by all that advice, but I think by not trying to do these things, the process will be worse. And my divorce finally did end. I’m over a year out, and life is peaceful now. In fact, life is joyful as this year I was blessed with two grandchildren whom I adore. You will get there. Just know going in, it will be hard and long, but no matter what the legal outcome, you will win the war simply by removing the toxin from your life.
I’d love to hear your comments below.
Read my book about my journey from abuse to empowerment, my 28-year odyssey, battling a narcissist, navigating a hostile divorce, and emerging triumphant. Discover your strength. Reclaim your peace. You can find it here if you want. Or if you’d like a sneak peak first, you can go here and click on the look inside link under the picture of the book cover to read chapter one for free.
-Maria