Should I Stay or Should I Go?
This was a question that haunted me for much of my marriage. After each rage by my ex, I would think, why do I have to live this way? Should I end this nightmare? But then he would calm down and be nice again… for a time. Until the next rage.
I was married for twenty-eight years and dealt with the rages before the marriage began. Was I foolish to have ignored the red flags before marriage? Sure. But I was madly in love. And hindsight is of course 20/20. We went on to have three children together. The early years were not too terrible. He would find some minor slight to rage about a few times each year. Then, things would be relatively nice until the next one. During the peaceful times, he would give me hope that he could be a better man, a better husband, a better father. But my hopes were always dashed.
As the years went on, the rages intensified and increased in frequency. It became more difficult to ignore. Then I became aware of the affairs. To this day, I have no idea when they started. I could piece together that they began at least five years prior to our break-up but they may very well have started earlier. That was a kick in the gut. Most victims probably would have thrown their mate out at that point. But I didn’t. I temporarily asked him to leave and demanded that he go for counseling. I felt in my head that he had an anger management problem and if he could find a way to get a handle on it, we might have a future. Getting over the betrayal of the affairs was not going to be easy but I honestly felt I could handle that better than the unexpected outbursts.
Having been caught in his infidelity, he became quite remorseful. He actually was crying all the time. I didn’t know what to make of it. I didn’t grow up with men showing that kind of emotion and he literally was bawling. It convinced me that he really wanted to do better. And so, I let him back. And he was good… for a time. Until he wasn’t. Then he would explode and scream that it was my fault that he had the affairs. My first reaction was disgust. Who says that kind of thing? But then the self-doubt crept in. Had I driven him away? Could I have been a better wife? He told me at one point that no one liked me. I began to think. Was that true? Was I not a likeable person? Was I not loveable? Is that why he went elsewhere? And so, I tried to be more agreeable with him. But naturally things did not improve.
Toward the end, we went on a hiking trip. The trails were steep with high cliffs and the thought crossed my mind that he could push me over the cliff and say I slipped. I wasn’t sure he wouldn’t do that. I came home and shared my feelings with my son. He recommended I speak with someone. He was concerned for my mental health. I met with my pastor and shared my history. The first thing out of his mouth was to tell me I was in an abusive relationship. What?? Isn’t it just an anger management problem? Twenty-eight years in and that was my first inkling that I was with an abuser. My pastor advised that I ask him to leave for at least three months to clear my head. As it turned out, I didn’t have to because my ex had secretly filed for divorce before I had the conversation with him. Honestly, he did me a favor. Who knows how much longer I would have tried to make it work. He’s been gone for three years now, and my divorce was final over a year ago. I’m so much better off, so much more at peace. I was blessed with two grandbabies this year who give me so much joy. Life is just so much better.
Why didn’t I go sooner? That’s a hard question to answer but I think a lot of the reasons apply to most victims. On the surface, there was the desire to have an intact family. Is a broken one better than one with an abuser? Since he wasn’t physically abusive (for the most part), it wasn’t as clear cut an answer for me. Also, no one really knew what he was like. Most people thought he was a great guy. My extended family saw glimpses of what he was but didn’t know the full extent. Would others believe me when I told them my story?
There are lots of reasons in addition to what I personally experienced for why victims find it hard to leave. Leaving an abusive relationship with a narcissist is often much more challenging than it might seem to an outsider. Narcissists use a variety of tactics, such as gaslighting, blame-shifting, and playing the victim, to control and confuse their victims. Over time, victims may begin to doubt their own perception of reality and believe that they are the problem. This manipulation creates a sense of dependency, making it extremely challenging for the victim to break free. I definitely experienced some of this from my ex.
Narcissists often isolate their victims from friends and family, making them feel as though they have no one to turn to. This isolation can be physical, such as moving to a new location away from loved ones, or emotional, as the narcissist slowly erodes the victim's support network. Without a support system, victims may feel trapped and incapable of leaving the abuser. Fortunately, I did not experience this to any great extent and my support system was critical when the end came.
Narcissists can be highly vindictive, and victims often fear the consequences of leaving. They may worry about physical harm, the narcissist spreading damaging rumors, or legal repercussions. As it turned out, my ex tried very hard to damage my reputation with my friends and neighbors, but they saw right through it.
Narcissists consistently erode their victim's self-esteem. They criticize, belittle, and demean them, making the victim believe they are worthless and incapable of finding happiness elsewhere. This low self-esteem can prevent victims from taking the necessary steps to leave the abuser, as they feel they don't deserve better. My ex certainly sowed doubts in my mind about my self-worth but I guess I was able to not let those doubts take over.
Narcissists often cause their victims to be financially dependent which impedes their leaving. I was fortunate that finances were not an issue. Narcissists often create a trauma bond with their victims. A trauma bond is a deep and intense connection that forms due to the highs and lows of the abusive relationship, making it difficult to break free. Finally, as I definitely experienced, narcissists often provide just enough hope for a better tomorrow to keep their victims from leaving.
If you are a victim, the best thing you can do is recognize the relationship for what it is: abuse. It is only then that you can find the strength to get out. If you keep deluding yourself that your mate will get better, you’ll be in the relationship far longer than you should be, like I was. I hope others will approach this issue with empathy and understanding. Supporting victims and providing them with the resources and assistance they need is crucial in helping them regain control over their lives and well-being.
I’d love to hear your comments below.
Read my book about my journey from abuse to empowerment, my 28-year odyssey, battling a narcissist, navigating a hostile divorce, and emerging triumphant. Discover your strength. Reclaim your peace. You can find it here if you want. Or if you’d like a sneak peak first, you can go here and click on the look inside link under the picture of the book cover to read chapter one for free.
-Maria