Out of the Darkness
My alarm blared at 5:15 a.m. and I groggily dragged myself out of bed. What an ungodly hour and still pitch-black outside. It was an office day, something that after COVID only happened once a week. Thank goodness. After thirty-seven years at the job, I don’t think I could have done more than a once-a-week commute anymore. My commute to the city took an hour and a half to two hours. I raced around getting ready, performing my usual rituals. The goal was always to leave the house by 5:50 a.m. to catch a 6:10 a.m. bus downtown. It’s about a three-mile drive to the bus station. I always allowed plenty of time so I might get five minutes to decompress before the bus came. Despite the amount of time, I raced up the numbered route to get to the bus stop as I did every time. I’m just wired that way, I guess. I always had to get somewhere in as little time as possible. This three-lane highway had been reduced to two lanes for the last several months causing perpetual backlogs in traffic. I meandered from lane to lane, trying to find the quickest way up the three miles.
After about a mile and a half, for no explicable reason, I suddenly felt fur at my feet. And the realization came over me immediately: I was still wearing my slippers! I had dressed nicely, done my hair and make-up, but somehow, I had forgotten to put on my shoes. For a brief nanosecond, I considered just forging ahead and showing up to work in my slippers. They weren’t the worst slippers after all. They were UGGs that looked like moccasins. A bit worn and definitely stained. As the assessment of the state of my slippers flew through my mind, I knew I had to turn back and get my shoes. I couldn’t show up to work in slippers, particularly dirty, worn ones. That would just be going too low. Also, did I really want to walk the city streets in my slippers? So, I began to turn the car around to go home. And that’s when it hit me. I started giggling and then went into a full-blown laugh. I thought this was just the funniest thing that I still had my slippers on. I literally laughed the entire ride home.
And that’s when I knew the darkness was behind me. A year or two ago I would have burst into tears if that had happened. I would have sobbed the entire way home. I would have thought, “how stupid are you that you can’t remember to take off your slippers.” Or “why do all these horrible things keep happening to me?” Or “well, this is just all too typical of my life.” But no longer. Now, I could see the humor in it. I didn’t beat myself up over it. I didn’t feel life was over because of it. I just laughed and laughed and laughed. And I couldn’t tell enough people the story. I wanted them to laugh too.
How did I make it out of the darkness? It was a long road and hard work. I read A LOT. Sometimes just trashy romance novels. It was fun to get lost in another world for a time. Often, I read spiritual books and self-help books. One book, by author Matthew Kelly, said, “you’re not what has happened to you.” In another place, he said, “you’re a unique individual with unlimited potential.” Rule One in author Jordan Peterson’s, Twelve Rules for Life, said to stand up straight with your shoulders back. He spent about fifty pages on that rule, talking about lobsters for some of it. The lobster discussion seemed crazy at first, but it all made sense. And honestly, I don’t remember the other eleven rules but that one stuck with me.
I meditated and spent time in silence. I used Dr. Gregory Bottaro’s Catholic meditations from, The Mindful Catholic. He starts most of the meditations as follows: “whether you’re sitting down or standing up, sit or stand up straighter with the dignity of a child of God.” In another meditation, he states, “you are a child of the great high king.”
Are you sensing a theme among all this? You and I are each beautiful, unique individuals with wonderful things to offer the world. We just need to remind ourselves of it. Maybe some people are born confident. I had a brother who was four years older who always seemed self-assured from the get-go. But many of us are not. We need to work at it. Julia Roberts has a line in the movie, Pretty Woman, that says something like, “did you ever notice how much easier it is to believe the bad stuff about yourself?” It certainly was for me. If you constantly tell yourself, you’re stupid, or ugly, or unworthy, you will believe it. Instead, you have to tell yourself, you’re beautiful, unique, with unlimited potential. You’re not what has happened to you. If you were traumatized by a crazy narcissist like I was, you have scars, but they don’t have to define you. You are not what has happened to you.
I also found long walks and music helped. Enjoy nature. Blast uplifting songs. Some of my favorites were Stronger by Kelly Clarkson, Brave by Sara Bareilles, Roar by Katy Perry and I’m Still Standing by Elton John. Sometimes all I needed was to blast those songs to change my outlook.
You won’t heal overnight. Like I said, it takes hard work over a long period of time. But if you work on yourself, you will eventually get there. I’m three years out now. I had some really bad days. And I still have bad days but not as many as before and I often can talk myself out of the gloomy feeling. Mathew Kelly talks about overcoming trauma in his book, Life is Messy. He advises to just take the first step, however small. Move to the light. And if you can’t even do that, turn in the direction of the light. Do something, however small, for you, to help you heal. And one day you’ll find yourself hysterically laughing at yourself for almost wearing your slippers to work.
I’d love to hear your comments below.
Read my book about my journey from abuse to empowerment, my 28-year odyssey, battling a narcissist, navigating a hostile divorce, and emerging triumphant. Discover your strength. Reclaim your peace. You can find it here if you want. Or if you’d like a sneak peak first, you can go here and click on the look inside link under the picture of the book cover to read chapter one for free.
All the best,
-Maria