Gratitude Is Your Way Out of the Abyss

I know, I know. You’re thinking, “gratitude, really?” After all I’ve been through? After being with a madman (or woman) for all these years? After the lies, deceit, out-of-control rages and ultimate discard?” Yes, gratitude is your answer. Not gratitude for all of that. Gratitude for the good you have. If you’ve escaped but are still struggling, this is where gratitude can really change things. Obviously, you have to grieve. And I did my share of that. I also did my share of wallowing in self-pity. But you know what that got me? Absolutely nothing.

Your life is rough now, things blew up and you are having a hard time dealing with it. What can you be grateful for? There really is a lot. Let’s start by the fact that you woke up this morning. You probably slept in a warm bed. If you’re reading this, it’s very likely you own a computer or a smart phone.  That’s just a small start of things you can be grateful for.

I’ve had my share of hardships. My father died when I was eleven. When I was twenty, I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease. I was sick for two years and missed the last semester of college- you know that semester where seniors do nothing but celebrate and party. Not me. I had to have two eight-hour operations where the doctors essentially removed half my gut. In between those operations, my brother was killed in a car accident. Then I married my crazy narcissist. I spent twenty-eight years with him, walking on eggshells, dealing with the rages. You know that drill. I don’t have to elaborate on that. Then, soon after he discarded me, my then twenty-six-year-old son was diagnosed with cancer. Do I win the award for the most tragic? Absolutely not, but again, I’ve had my share.

I spent plenty of time with grief and plenty of time sleepwalking through life. Not anymore. Gratitude is what helped me get there. I began a few years ago with a journal. Every night I made myself write at least three things for which I was grateful that day. I was still in my dark period so there were many days when I wrote things like, my cup of tea in the morning, or a working washer machine or sunshine. That was the best I could do on those days, but it was something. It helped foster an awareness of the present moment, making me mindful of small blessings on a daily basis.

A few years ago, I met a man. Let’s call him Brian. He’s the husband of my son’s girlfriend’s mom (my son’s girlfriend’s stepfather although she was near adulthood when they married). Brian always intrigues me. He’s joyful all the time. He comes to my house and tells me what a beautiful home I have. Every time he eats dinner he says, “the food is perfect.” And he means it. He sincerely believes the food is perfect and the home is beautiful (my home is just average and my cooking fair). How can he be this way? How is he always so full of joy? One day, I asked him, “Brian, were you just born with this sunny disposition, or did you get that way?” He paused for a minute and said, “lots of tragedy, that’s how you get this way.” It almost seems counter-intuitive, right? He explained that tragedy helps you appreciate the good. I don’t know a lot about what tragedies he experienced but I do know he got his first birthday cake far into adulthood and I’m told he had tears in his eyes when that first cake was presented to him. I don’t know about you, but I had birthday cakes as a kid, and I’ve never had tears of gratitude for them.

Gratitude and joy are inextricably linked. You can’t be grateful and unhappy at the same time. It’s like two of the same poles of a magnet coming together. They repel each other. If you are grateful, you will feel joy. But you don’t just wake up one day and decide to be grateful and then become joyful as a result. You have to work at it. Every day. You have to be mindful. You have to look for things every day for which to be grateful. That’s why the journal helps. It forces you to find things to be grateful for. Over time, it gets easier. Your mindset changes.

If you can find people to be around who are more geared toward gratitude, that would help too. Try to look for ways to show your appreciation for others. That can create a positive ripple effect. Practice self-compassion and celebrate your achievements. Look at setbacks as opportunities for growth. Consider this quote by G.K. Chesterton — “An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered.” It’s all in the mindset.

If you work at gratitude long enough, you’ll find more joy in your life. To be like Brian is my goal. I still have a long way to go. But I’m more joyful than I was last year, and I hope to be more joyful next year than this year. Don’t you want to be like Brian too? Try it. You have nothing to lose.

I’d love to hear your comments below.

Read my book about my journey from abuse to empowerment, my 28-year odyssey, battling a narcissist, navigating a hostile divorce, and emerging triumphant. Discover your strength. Reclaim your peace. You can find it here if you want. Or if you’d like a sneak peak first, you can go here and click on the look inside link under the picture of the book cover to read chapter one for free.

All the best,

                                           -Maria