He’s a Narcissist? Now it makes sense!
You know that moment when the light bulb goes off in your head? You’ve been puzzled about something for so long and all of a sudden, it becomes clear. That’s what it’s like when you finally realize you’ve been dealing with a narcissist.
I just saw a post on Facebook that listed “The Seven Stages of Recovery From Narcissistic Abuse” attributed to “Positive psych.” The stages went like this:
1. The Despair: When there is a conflict with the narcissist that pushed you down to your knees.
2. The Big Bang: Somewhere, somehow, you came across a post about narcissism, and everything starts to click together, feels like an explosion in your head.
3. The Denial: You look for every excuse, desperately not wanting to believe that the person you are with is a monster.
4. The Gooey Stage: Back and forth state of rage, depression, and grief.
5. The Acceptance: You realize there is only one way: cut them out.
6. The rebuilding, you build a new life, narcissist-free.
7. The Thriving: You become healthier, stronger, wiser, AND SO MUCH HAPPIER.
I’m probably somewhere between stages 6 and 7 now and I can honestly say it’s so much better when you get there. I want to focus on stage 2 for this blog: The Big Bang: Somewhere, somehow, you came across a post about narcissism, and everything starts to click together, feels like an explosion in your head. When I first read this stage, I thought wow! That is such an accurate description. Most if not all of us who have had relationships with narcissists had no idea what we were dealing with. I was married to my narcissist for 28 years. It was only in the last few years that I started to put it together. And I didn’t know it was abuse until my pastor flat out told me — unfortunately, that wasn’t until the end of year 28.
How many of you have had these feelings of bewilderment, desperately trying to understand what is going on with your mate, what is making him or her do the things they do? It’s soul crushing. This is one of the reasons I felt compelled to write my story. I want others to see their relationships for what they are —abusive — and get out. I hope that my story will help them see that. I went through much of what other victims go through and felt lost at sea for decades, not understanding. (If you or someone you know is interested in my story, click here. I describe my journey from abuse to empowerment, my 28-year odyssey plus two years navigating a hostile divorce, and emerging triumphant. You can discover your strength and reclaim your peace too.)
About 15 years into my 28-year ordeal, I mentioned what I was dealing with to a priest in confession (I’m Catholic). I figured I must be doing something wrong that my spouse became so enraged over the smallest things. I’m sorry to say the priest wasn’t all that helpful and simply told me to pray for him. Maybe I didn’t explain it well enough. At the time I thought I was dealing with someone who had an anger management problem. Anger is normal, right? He just needed to get a better handle on it — or so I thought. He truly would explode over nothing: the baby wouldn’t finish his bottle, I didn’t support him when my son complained about him making fun of his friends, I complained when he spilled something on my just-mopped floor. Any excuse for a rage, or no excuse at all.
And holidays were the worst. See my blog just on that here. Most of us try to “suck it up” and ignore the little annoyances so everyone can have a good time. Not a narcissist. Every birthday, Christmas, vacation ruined. He found some reason to be slighted and go into a rage. Halfway through the marriage, I would still get excited about an upcoming holiday, but by this time I was always on high alert for something that would set him off. I would take on more and more of the burden, doing all the decorating, shopping, wrapping, food preparation, whatever I could think of so there would be less of a chance that he would explode. But it never worked. He always found a reason.
Probably for at least 20 years I lived in this perplexed and disoriented state. Then one day my daughter came across an article entitled, Why Narcissistic People Love to Ruin Birthdays and Holidays link All of a sudden a lightbulb went off in my head! Could he be a narcissist? I had always thought narcissists were like Hitler — obvious to the world. But this article described everything he did. This sentence in the article, in particular, caused that explosion in my head:
If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells while you are struggling to please or avoid the wrath of another person that gets worse during [holidays], it’s NOT in your imagination.
That was my life. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. So, it wasn’t me or my imagination. Unfortunately, I still lived in this state many more years after this. But my eyes were starting to open. I slowly began to realize that it wasn’t me. Before that I suspected it really was him, but I could never be sure. I always had a nagging doubt. It helped, in a small way, to know now. I built up my armor for the next rage and I didn’t let it wear me down as much.
Even after reading that article, however, I still needed more convincing that he wasn’t worth being with. He gave me that when I became aware of the affairs. So now, I had a raging lunatic who also was unfaithful. I knew I didn’t deserve that. But it still wasn’t completely clear in my head that he was a narcissist. After I discovered the affairs, he was remorseful and wanted to stay together. I agreed on the condition that he go get counseling for his “anger management problem.” I was still so naïve! He went for three sessions and said the psychologist said there was nothing wrong with him!
Soon thereafter, everything fell apart, and we went through a vicious divorce. It was then that I really started to research. I discovered a book about “the covert narcissist.” That was him! I couldn’t believe what I was reading. Everyone thought he was a great guy and how lucky I was to have him. That’s because he hid his true self to the outside world. Many of them do. It makes it that much harder for the victims. Now all the pieces came together. Light bulb! Big bang! Head explosion! Yes, all those years I was dealing with a narcissist. Now I knew. But it was after the fact really.
I want others to learn sooner and get out. Don’t spend 28 years of your life with a narcissist like I did. Life is too short. It’s so much better on the other side.
I’d love to hear your comments below.
Again, if you’d like to read my entire story, you can find it here. Or if you’d like a sneak peak first, you can go here and click on the look inside link under the picture of the book cover to read chapter one for free.
All the best,
-Maria