The Narcissist’s Greatest Magic Trick: Making You Disappear
I was recently on another site discussing the Netflix series, Maid, with someone. If you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend it. I read the book after seeing the show but for me the show was better. The book deals more with her poverty and work as a maid while the series seems to focus, at least more than the book, on the emotional abuse she suffered from her partner. That emotional abuse struck a chord with me when I was watching it. It was the first time I fully realized that there are others out there like my ex. In my head, abuse was always physical. I assumed for most of my 28-year marriage that my ex just had an anger management problem. It was only near the end when my pastor flat out told me that the relationship was abusive that I began to see it. Watching the Netflix series subsequently confirmed it for me. I feel Netflix (and the author of the book) did a great service to abuse victims in publishing the story. It showed the world that abuse isn’t just physical, that there are emotional abusers as well. And those abusers can arguably be as bad as or even worse than physical abusers.
This person with whom I was conversing reminded me of the scene in the show where the main character, i.e., the victim of the abuse, disappears into the couch. You can watch it on YouTube here: Disappearing into the couch. It is really quite compelling to watch. It’s well along in the series and she has returned to her abuser after briefly escaping. Of course, life is worse than ever for her. She is sitting on the couch, just staring like a zombie when the abuser returns home with a six pack of beer. She doesn’t move as she is now just a shell of what she once was. As she rolls over and ultimately sinks completely into the couch until she disappears, the scene heartbreakingly illustrates her utter despair and hopelessness.
That scene I believe speaks volumes about the effect an abuser has on his or her victim. We all disappear to various degrees depending on the level of abuse and whether we have an outside support system.
I was 29 when I met my ex. I had a circle of friends from college, law school and work. I was a voracious reader and I loved music. I played the piano and guitar and loved to sing. And I loved listening to music too. I also had a pretty strong sense of faith and practiced it. Fast forward 28 years and I lost contact with most of those friends, no longer read, no longer played the piano or guitar and rarely listened to music at all. While my faith was still with me, it had not been nurtured all those 28 years. What happened to me? In part it was the business of life as a working mom raising three kids. But there was more to it than that. Without my realizing it, my ex was destroying the person who I really was. It’s what all narcissists do. Bit by bit, piece by piece, narcissistic abusers chip away at the very essence of who their victims are, until they feel as though they are disappearing into the shadows of their own life. Add to that the onslaught of gaslighting, belittlement, and invalidation, and we begin to doubt ourselves, our thoughts, our feelings, until we no longer trust our own judgment.
Central to the narcissistic dynamic is the abuser’s need for admiration and adulation. They demand constant attention and validation, sucking the emotional energy from us like a vampire draining its prey. In extreme cases, their victims become little more than a mirror, reflecting back the distorted image of the abuser’s grandiosity. Their own needs, desires, and dreams are dismissed or ignored. The constant barrage of criticism and contempt chips away at their confidence and self-esteem, leaving them hollow and empty inside. Every insult, every criticism, every subtle jab is like a dagger to the heart, leaving scars that may never fully heal. Over time victims begin to internalize the abusers’ toxic messages, believing themselves to be unworthy of love, respect or happiness.
In my view the definition of love is to want the very best for the one you love. My ex did not want that for me. He always found fault in the people I cared about. He made fun of my faith. And while I don’t have a specific memory of him doing anything to discourage my music and reading, he certainly never encouraged it.
Then, of course, there were the classic put-downs that come with every narcissist. I lost my self-confidence, and I lost a sense of who I was. I never felt good enough. I kept thinking there must be something wrong with me. I couldn’t understand why I always set him off into a rage. And so, I began to disappear like the victim in Maid.
Now, I have to say, I’m probably one of the more fortunate ones. I still had some friends and family. I wasn’t under his financial control. I didn’t completely lose my sense of self. I escaped. I went back to reading and I joined the choir at church. I’ve healed a lot although the sense of grief will probably always be with me.
For all victims, the scars of the ordeal will linger and be a reminder of the price we paid for being in these relationships. But with time, patience, and support, we can all begin to reclaim our lost identities. We can piece ourselves back together until we shine brightly once more.
In the end, the journey to reclaiming one’s sense of self after narcissistic abuse can be a difficult and painful one, but it is also incredibly empowering. It is a testament to the strength and resilience of the human spirit, a refusal to be defined by the actions of others. And while the scars of narcissistic abuse may never fully fade, they will serve as a reminder of our courage and determination to rise from the ashes and reclaim our rightful place in the world.
I’d love to hear your comments below.
Read my book about my journey from abuse to empowerment, my 28-year odyssey, battling a narcissist, navigating a hostile divorce, and emerging triumphant. Discover your strength. Reclaim your peace. You can find it here if you want. Or if you’d like a sneak peak first, you can go here and click on the look inside link under the picture of the book cover to read chapter one for free.
-Maria