You’re Perfectly Loved
You are perfectly loved. I am perfectly loved. But we struggle to fully believe that don’t we? If you’re reading this, you’re likely in or had been in a relationship with a narcissist. Narcissists are great at manipulating our reality. It’s called gaslighting and is a form of emotional abuse. Fun fact: the term gaslighting comes from a 1944 film called “Gas Light” in which a husband tries to manipulate a wife into thinking she has a mental illness. Here is more information on the play/film Gas Light.
Gaslighting goes like this: your mate does something wrong and you call him out on it, and he turns the tables and makes you believe that it was really your fault for why he did what he did. You begin to question yourself. You think maybe you don’t remember well anymore, maybe you perceived the situation wrong, maybe you deserved what happened. Over time your perception of reality becomes distorted. You lose your self-confidence, and you start to think you are not worthy of true love. My ex-narcissist went so far as to blame me for his infidelity! He had multiple affairs, and when we would get in an argument, he would always end up with saying, “You’re the reason I had the affairs!” That was so extreme that he wasn’t able to gaslight me with it. I knew the reality on that one. But there were plenty of other instances where I would replay events over and over, thinking “did it really not happen how I remember? Do I deserve the treatment he's dishing out? Could I have been a better spouse? Maybe it is me. Maybe I’m not capable of having a loving relationship. Maybe I’m not worthy of love.” After some time away, I got some clarity and I now see that he was the manipulator, and I was the victim of the manipulation. But it’s hard to see it when you’re in the thick of it.
If you want more information on gaslighting, try this link: Gaslighting.
In my darkest hour, I had just leased a new car and was trying to plug in all my favorite radio stations. I went to find my old rock and roll station, only to discover that some Christan rock music was playing. It was a Sunday, so I shrugged it off as a special promotion. I went back another day and still no rock and roll. I was annoyed. This again was a Sunday, however, and I figured it couldn’t hurt to listen to Christian music on a Sunday. It turns out my rock and roll station was taken over by a radio station called K-Love. Goodbye rock and roll; hello Christian rock.
I soon became hooked and couldn’t listen to anything else. (For those believers reading this, was this a God wink [a personal experience often seen as a coincidence but could be a sign of divine intervention]?)
I think the big hook for me was when the radio station played the song Perfectly Loved by Rachael Lampa. Here are some of the lyrics:
Who said that you weren't beautiful
And that you didn't belong in your own skin?
Who said that you were all alone
And that you're never gonna find love again?
So many little words, so many little lies
That have followed you all of your life…
Never been a moment that you were not perfectly loved
When you barely believed it
When your eyes couldn't see it
Every single moment, you've always been perfectly loved…
You're not a problem
You're not a mistake
Don't need fixing or solving
In the arms of His grace
You're perfectly human
Made from the dust
You've got a heart, broken and scarred, yet perfectly loved.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I broke down and cried right then in the car. I had been discarded by my mate at this point in time, and I was feeling really low. I couldn’t help but wonder if I deserved to be thrown away like a piece of garbage or if I had any fault in all of it. There were many times throughout our relationship that I would think, I know I’m a good mother, but I can’t seem to understand the role of being a wife. No matter what I did, it wasn’t good, and I managed to set him off repeatedly. I just couldn’t seem to figure out how to do better so he wouldn’t get angry.
But I also knew deep, deep in my soul that I didn’t deserve his treatment no matter how imperfect I might be. And then came this song. I’m perfectly loved. I’m not a mistake. I’m perfectly human. For me especially, but I also think that the meaning behind the song is that I’m perfectly loved by God. For those of us who have faith, I think getting through the darkness is easier. Your mate may not have wanted you, but God does. You can keep reminding yourself that God loves you— you’re perfectly loved. When I had skin cancer removed from my face, it left a scar. For months I looked in the mirror and said, “You are a beautiful child of God.” I didn’t believe it at first but if you repeat things like that enough, I think you rewire your brain and eventually, you do believe it. And so, I began to repeat to myself, “I am perfectly loved. I belong in my own skin. I’m not a mistake.” So, no matter what darkness you’re going through, tell yourself every day, you are perfectly loved by God.
For those who aren’t believers, I think the song can still give you hope. You are good just as you are. You can work on becoming the best version of yourself but you, the unique you, is good and valuable and perfectly loved. Love yourself in that way, and you will get through the darkness, and the light will shine. It takes time and effort like all worthwhile things do. But in the end, it is so worth it.
I’d love to hear if you experienced or are experiencing similar thoughts and feelings. Please comment below.
Read my book about my journey from abuse to empowerment, my 28-year odyssey, battling a narcissist, navigating a hostile divorce, and emerging triumphant. Discover your strength. Reclaim your peace. You can find it here if you want. Or if you’d like a sneak peak first, you can go here and click on the look inside link under the picture of the book cover to read chapter one for free.
-Maria