No Closure with a Narcissist

Ah, the human need for closure. It’s not too much to ask, right? Just acknowledge our pain. Acknowledge your part in it. Maybe even apologize. It would be nice. But, from my perspective, it will never happen with my ex.

I was married for twenty-eight years. I endured all the childish rages which occurred for no apparent reason. I endured the affairs. And after all that, he was the one who filed for divorce. He probably did me a favor as I may have never done it myself. Then he made the divorce process hellish for two years. Finally, it was over. I could move on, find peace. That was a year ago. At the time, I texted him this:

Just to be clear, I don’t want a relationship with you, amicable or otherwise. I know you will never see or accept all the damage you did to me and our children, but those wounds do not heal easily. I need a lot of time to recover. I endured 28 years of your out-of-control rages all of which had little to no provocation. I put you through school and sacrificed my retirement funds to do so. I supported your career and sacrificed mine in the process. How was I paid back? With affairs and attempts to take and hide money from me and then to toss me aside like a piece of garbage. You filed for divorce but didn’t have the decency to leave the house or negotiate a settlement fairly and quickly. My healing was delayed two years because of you. Enjoy all that money you now have. I hope it was worth it to you to break up our family over. I guess it gives you a lot of satisfaction to tell me about your fancy new job and world travel, something that we planned to share. If you want to know about our children, ask them yourself. Whether they choose to have a relationship with you is up to them. I choose not to.

I felt it had to be said. He needed to fully understand what he had done. He should show some kind of remorse. I should have known better.  Here’s his response:

OK. Could you give me the kids’ social security numbers. Thanks.

It was then that I blocked him completely. I had blocked him on social media but kept the phone lines open. Afterall, we shared three kids, although they were all adults by this time. I realized there was no point. He would never offer me closure. He would never see all the harm he did.

So, I tried to move on. I got more involved with my church. Reached out to friends. I started a new life. It wasn’t easy but I was moving forward. I didn’t really miss him. He had snuffed out my feelings long ago. But I did miss having a companion. I’m alone a lot more now and sometimes I’m lonely. But my days are peaceful. No more walking on eggshells.

My kids had cut off all contact with him too. I had mixed feelings about that. He is their father despite all he did. Since they are all adults and I figure I am biased, I tried not to say too much to sway them in any direction. I became comfortable without him in the picture. I achieved a modicum of peace.

Then he reemerged. He had made many attempts to reach out to the kids but was rebuffed. But the ice thawed somewhat, and they responded to him. They had coffee once and dinner another time. I thought I could handle it. I can’t. My rational mind knows that if this is what my grown kids want, then that’s what I should support. My irrational heart feels betrayed.  He can waltz back into their lives as if nothing happened, as if he hadn’t inflicted all the damage he did.

And I feel almost back to square one. But that’s on me in a way. Closure will never come from him. It has to come from within me. We want closure to make the emotional pain, loss, and grief end. A narcissist won’t do that for you for many reasons. This article outlines some of the reasons, many of which I felt applied to me: why narcissist won't give you closure.

A narcissist only cares about himself. He can’t put himself in your shoes. My ex probably doesn’t even think he did anything wrong and certainly would never admit to it.

Not providing closure makes you more likely to stay in contact with the narcissist, thereby enabling him to retain control. That didn’t apply to me, at least at the time of my text, but I’m sure it applies to many others. They are very good at dangling a carrot, giving us hope that one day maybe we could have a healthy relationship.

Narcissists can’t or won’t answer your questions in any way that will make sense to you because they see the world completely differently. So, even if my ex had more properly responded to my text, it likely would not have been the response I was so desperately hoping for.

Not providing closure is a way for narcissists to get revenge or communicate that you are not important enough or worthy of closure. It also satisfies their egos. You obviously are still thinking about them by your attempts to gain closure from them.

So, we must seek closure from within. How? First, we must recognize that we are grieving and allow that process to unfold. Time is what heals us as long as we are no longer connected to the narcissist (or as minimally as possible if young children are involved). We must forgive ourselves and work on our self-talk. It’s scary how easily we believe the negative thoughts we have about ourselves. That is something I constantly battle. We must cut them out of our lives. Block them on social media and everywhere else. It does not help us to know what they are up to. We must seek out and rely on those who truly care about us, whether they are family or friends. They will lift us up when we need it. I can’t tell you how many times someone gave me a random hug and it changed my whole day. (Generous huggers are amazing people!)

That’s what I’m trying to do. Some days I succeed more than others. But I have to keep trying. I hope you will too. I’d love to hear your comments below.

Read my book about my journey from abuse to empowerment, my 28-year odyssey, battling a narcissist, navigating a hostile divorce, and emerging triumphant. Discover your strength. Reclaim your peace. You can find it here if you want. Or if you’d like a sneak peak first, you can go here and click on the look inside link under the picture of the book cover to read chapter one for free.

                                                -Maria